Dodge City Sherpa
By Dillon St. Jean- Creative Editor
On the second highest mountain in the as-of-yet unmapped Kansas mountain range, you can clearly make out the first third of the highest. Any Kansas sherpa will refuse to take you up the mountain, and then proceed to explain exactly why in excruciating detail. At approximately fifty-nine thousand feet, the first real threat comes from the Cave People of Dodge City. They tend to reside at about five thousand feet. Traditionally a sherpa would be prepared to fight them off, wielding a small weapon to keep them a distance from his employer.
Unfortunately, the idea of surpassing the twenty thousand foot point immediately causes a sherpa to tense up. At that point there is a persistent stream of fire ants larger than any others found in the world. To attempt struggling against them would lead to an individual's bones being stripped bare in seven-point-six seconds. Beyond that lie the world's smallest poison dart frogs. They are miniscule and highly populated enough that if a person were not being secure, they would accidentally inhale dozens of them at a time.
At thirty thousand feet, pumas have adjusted to the low oxygen levels and somehow manage to thrive. Beyond that reside the wild baboons, who have learned not only to use tools, but to make their own. In hand to hand combat, they would be much more likely to use a sharpened rock they’ve tied to a stick. They remain at war with a tribe of chimpanzees that have somehow managed to master slingshot technology and are becoming quite adept at wielding said weapons. Just beyond the warring apes are the feral parrots that had migrated there years prior. They are capable of repeating what people say, however, the words are all reversed.
At forty thousand feet reside the pirate ship remains, and beyond that are the frozen cowboys. Beyond that are the pterodactyls, and beyond that is the Mayan temple. Upon entering the temple, there is close to a full mile of spiral stairs leading up past the library and the abnormally large bats. This eventually leads out to the fifty-three thousand foot point, where the Fountain of Youth is kept. From there a dirt path leads through a small village of goblins (none of the residents should be allowed to make eye contact with you) and past that are the Greek statues of the Gods no one is familiar with.
Upon maneuvering past the broken columns, there is a door that leads to a small elevator that will carry up to the very top of the mountain. There resides the Phoenix, who sits upon an egg that contains itself. If you manage to make it all the way to the Phoenix (without a sherpa, mind you) it will allow you to make two wishes: the first being of your choice entirely, and the second being used only to undo the consequences of the first. From there, the Phoenix will allow you to return to the ground, offering the dare to follow a different path up the mountain for another two wishes.
Upon hearing this, the climber will ask the sherpa if that is, in fact, all true. He will reply with admitting that no one has actually climbed the mountain, and that he promises to have seen one of the Cave People of Dodge City. He very well could have; it was very dark that night.